I used to think I wasn’t a very judgmental person. You see, I got a brutal lesson in the real human cost of judgment when I was a teenager. This experience had a deep and profound impact on my willingness to declare myself the arbiter of someone else’s life.

And yet, as I have become more adept at observing my own thoughts (and as I have loosened my white knuckled grip on how I interact with the world), I recognize the soundtrack of bias, judgment, assumption, categorization and sometimes even fear that seems to be on a loop running through my brain.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have:

• Coached and supported my son while he navigates name calling at school
• Noticed the way in which experiencing twin anxiety with my oldest results in both of us throwing up barriers (luckily we have practice finding our way back)
• Watched the vaccination debate rage on and the distance (and name calling) between vaxxed and unvaxxed grow
• Observed my own conditioned thoughts as a child who was schooled in the book of Revelation (perhaps beyond what was healthy) about what is happening between Israel and Palestine and the various responses I see on my social feeds, and
• Been aware of the stories I instantaneously write in my own mind about the various people who cross my visual field

How many times do we look at someone else and think we have them all figured out?

How often do we gather tiny tidbits of information based on what is available to us and draw broad and sweeping conclusions about someone–who they are, what they believe, the measure of their worth, etc.?

How often do we apply labels to other people in an attempt to measure our own worth against theirs?

How uncomfortable are we when someone doesn’t fit neatly into our own world view?

How often do we adjust our own behavior toward someone else based on these instantaneous, often unconscious, judgments?

How often do we put up a barrier or either elevate or diminish someone’s experience, perspective, or inherent value without even realizing it?

How often do we speak out on a subject with which we are only minimally familiar without taking the time to dive deep and understand the history, humanity and complexity around that issue?

How often do we deny someone else’s experience because it doesn’t match our own?

In every instance where our conditioning invites us to label, dismiss, criticize, make fun of, tear down, deny, threaten or feel threatened, or throw up walls between ourselves and other people, we have a different choice.

Instead of perpetuating beliefs and behaviors that take us further away from each other, we can move toward connection with curiosity, an open heart, and a genuine desire to understand someone else’s experience.

By the way, the judgments we make about other people generally reveal something about our own fears and insecurities (and have very little to do with the other person).

I invite you to ask yourself:

What assumptions am I making about this other person and/or their experience?

What barriers have I put in place to protect myself that aren’t actually necessary or helpful?

How could I see the human being underneath the labels, categories, or behaviors?

What do I not know about their story and how could I approach them from a place of humility and desire to learn?

How might I step into instead of away from meaningful connection with this person?

It seems as if we have an endless array of opportunities to perpetuate disconnection from other humans each and every day. And yet, we are biologically wired for and healed by connection.

The more aware I am, the more overwhelming it can feel to imagine what it will take to bridge the divides between us.

The more I invest in connection with those with whom I come into contact each day (including my family and friends), the more energy and hope I have in the power of connection to do just that. What is one step you can take toward another human today?

Love,

Booth

p.s. In last week’s podcast episode, I shared more about my own experience with finding, losing and then rediscovering my capacity to dream. I also issue an invitation for you to explore your own dreams (or the obstacles that might be standing in your way). Click here to listen!

p.p.s. One of the other barriers to connection that I have observed is often rooted in our own lack of self-compassion. Sometimes, the way we talk to others is a mirror of how we talk to ourselves. The practice of self-compassion is so important to overall well-being that this practice is woven throughout the 6 Steps to Stress Recovery and Burnout Prevention. For more on this self-guided, online experience, go here.