Hi Booth,

This feels shitty and I’m not supposed to try to “fix” it.

I have been in and out of a trauma loop related to money since early December. But I didn’t have the words to begin to articulate what was happening until now.

I have felt stuck, numb, sad, and angry. Terror and helplessness have been in the mix too.

The trauma loop begins with one of my earliest childhood memories and has played itself out in various iterations over the course of my life.

I spent decades in fight or flight trying to earn enough to feel safe. Spoiler alert . . . I never did.

Because “safety” was only partially related to the money itself.

And then, I exhausted every asset that I had to survive a multi-year mental health crisis.

I was privileged enough and also sick enough to spend thousands of dollars on mental health medication and therapy.

Because of illness, I was only able to work part time on a project basis for several years while carrying the financial liabilities of someone who once had a six figure salary.

While I now have multiple revenue streams, I also am still paying the debts accumulated over those years; whittling away dollar by dollar, year by year. Sometimes the sheer weight of it all exhausts me.

I love being an entrepreneur. And also, the uncertainty can be a lot.

Truth is, as layoffs sweep across sectors following a global pandemic, we know that working for someone else comes with its own brand of uncertainty.

Over the last few months I have wondered if I was surrendering (which I highly recommend) or actually freezing (trauma response) which isn’t a helpful place to be stuck. The truth is likely a little bit of both.

Even so, I have been clear that I am not supposed to “fix” this. At least not in the ways I might have tried to fix it in the past: grasping, clawing, controlling, pushing, or performing to make the discomfort go away.

I am not supposed to try to force clarity where there is none.

Are there lessons to be gleaned? Of course.

Am I being challenged (again) to ask for what I need (preferably before I am completely under water)? Yes.

Are there invitations to stretch outside my comfort zone as I feel able? Yup.

But mostly the message has been this. STAY IN YOUR BODY. Feel the ick.

Support yourself with food, water, and rest.

Get out of your head and into your body–at the gym, through guided meditations, a mobility app–over and over again.

Let the pain, anger and fear move through you as your body is ready to release the emotional energy. Let the tears fall.

Ground yourself.

Stop holding your breath.

Pay attention to the moments where some part of you does feel safe. If only for an instant.

Trust that you will not feel stuck and foggy and numb forever if you just keep tending to what is now.

I am pretty sure none of us have to go looking to find things that are triggering to our nervous systems these days.

But in between stimulus and response, we have a choice. That is where our power is.

If (or when) you find yourself stuck in a trauma loop. I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you. You are a human being. Your nervous system is doing everything it can to protect you.

And also, what kept you safe in the past may be keeping you stuck now.

The good news is that your nervous system can heal. You can build new neural pathways. New ways of responding to eerily “familiar” stimuli.

There are many trauma-informed resources out there (hit me up if you would like some suggestions).

In the meantime, here is permission to be gentle with you.

Take long walks. Eat nourishing food. Rest. Move your body gently. Breathe. Seek support as needed.

Tend to yourself until you feel more like you. You will. In time.

Love,

Booth