Now I know … what it feels like.
The roles I stepped back into when I started my business felt safer. I could be “vulnerable and authentic” without ever really risking the deeper vulnerability that comes from asking people to choose you and to meet you for any other reason than what you can do for them.
My deepest fears could hide behind the veil of separation that is inherent in leadership. Even the non-hierarchical kind.
These weren’t conscious decisions. I was completely unaware that I was still operating from a space of feeling broken and somehow unworthy of being fully seen, known, valued, held and met just as I am. But these beliefs and patterns were driving certain choices without conscious awareness.
I wasn’t aware that certain parts of myself and my capacity to experience goodness in this life were being held hostage by my own nervous system.
I didn’t know I was over-indexing on my ability to support other people because
I didn’t feel worthy all on my own. That I didn’t dare allow myself to need or want anything I couldn’t provide myself.
I didn’t know what life force felt like in my body. I knew how to access “regulated” and “calm”. But the sensory experience of being in a body that feels excited, joyful, happy … a body that feels ALIVE … not so much.
But now I know.
And I also know that the non-reciprocal nature of my relationship with my work, my community and even my family isn’t anyone’s responsibility but mine (as much as my feelings were hurt when I first came to the realization).
Nervous system healing and expansion work has allowed me to feel what it is like to sit in and with my own worth.
To reconnect with the space deep inside my body that feels sturdy, calm, and frankly, unbothered by personal and cultural narratives.
The space where I KNOW that my worth is not negotiable or subject to review. Where I am clear on who I am and what I am capable of … in terms of giving AND receiving.
Whenever I tap into this space, my breath expands, the muscles in my body soften, my spine straightens and my chest lifts and opens. I feel solidity without brittleness and strength without any need to prove myself. I feel deeply rooted and energized at the same time.