we humans like to oversimplify the complexity of the human experience and turn our deduction into an affirmation, meme, motivational poster, or argument about whether something is all one thing or all another thing when it is actually all of the things all at once.
an example is this statement that i have seen circulating in the entrepreneurial space over the last few years:
“if it isn’t a hell yes, it’s a no.”
i appreciate the permission this kind of statement is trying to provide. and it sounds good, in theory. but application is a whole other thing.
first, the statement assumes that you (the reader), actually know how to identify the difference between a “yes” and a “no”. i’m not talking about the intellectualized answer. the brain is very good at convincing us to do whatever it is our brain thinks we are “supposed” to do. the choice that will avoid shame, embarrassment, disconnection, or someone else’s disappointment. just because the logical mind has been venerated for centuries doesn’t mean that the primal (survival) brain isn’t driving the bus as soon as it smells a (real or perceived) threat.
the kind of “yes” or “no” that actually is helpful in terms of discernment is the one that arises from and within the deep well of your body. the one that doesn’t do mental gymnastics to try to fit in and please other people. even still, in order for this aphorism to work, you have to know in your own body what a “yes” feels like.
depending on how you have been conditioned up to this point, you may have no freaking idea what a “yes” feels like. i didn’t. i had towed the line and been a good girl and done what i was supposed to do and denied my own needs (or the fact that i even had needs) for so long, my body was no longer talking to me in terms of “yes”. it was more like, “oh, this isn’t going to actually, literally, kill me. it might suck a lot. but anything worth doing is kind of supposed to suck, so i guess i am ‘supposed’ to do it.”
it took me a really long time to realize that just because i technically, literally “can”, doesn’t mean i should. and i still get caught in that trap from time to time.
even as my sensory capacity unthawed from decades of atrophy, i was able to find “no” in my body long long before i was able to have any sort of sensory experience that felt like “yes”. but here is where it gets maybe even trickier.
because a “no” isn’t as simple as it sounds. if we were all connected to our pure, untraumatized consciousness all of the time, then maybe, just maybe, we could take our body’s “no” on face value. but a “no” can mean a lot of different things. truth is, so can a “yes”, but that exploration is for another time.
“no” can mean:
part (or all) of you doesn’t feel safe
you need more information
you need more trust
you need more or different skills, resources or support
you are already exhausted and overwhelmed (out of capacity)
your body is holding emotions, fears, unconscious beliefs that need to be witnessed before you can move forward
this is at the edge of your comfort zone (and you don’t currently have or trust your capacity to cross that edge safely)
or it could mean that the action/choice/decision in front of you really is a “hard no” for reasons that you don’t have to be able to explain
your body is incredibly wise. and also, there are many layers to your experience. these layers inform how you respond in the here and now.
your body has its own unique language. it is 100% possible to become more attuned to the unique language of your body. and to practice discerning what is underneath your “no”. so that you can respond/resource accordingly.
and because organizations are made up of human beings, resistance you run into at the team or organizational level is just as nuanced.
in my own experience, i have observed that the most powerful resistance is often rooted in (mostly unspoken) fear. but it could be rooted in any one or more of the reasons noted above (and maybe others i haven’t listed there).
if you approach resistance with curiosity about what lies underneath, if you get to know it, speak to it, and address/resource at the level of the root cause(s), the energy of resistance can begin to shift.
the next time you find yourself facing resistance, whether your own or someone else’s, this is your invitation to get curious. and below are some resources that can help you do just that.
Resources:
Language of Your Body Meditation
Potentia (doors open soon)
Love, Booth