Episode Summary
Many of us have been conditioned to “just do it” or go out and make things happen. And if we don’t? We must not want “it” badly enough. But what if holding on too tight and forcing things leads to poor results (at best) and injury or illness (at worst). In this episode I explore what I am learning about letting go.
Intro
Welcome to the Freedom from Empty Podcast: Building Strong, Effective, Resilient Leaders and Humans. My name is Booth Andrews, and I am your host. Thank you so much for joining me for this episode.
Are you receiving my biweekly newsletter in your inbox? For more stories and tips about learning to be and live well, go to https://www.boothandrews.com/newsletterpage to sign up! You can find this link in my instagram bio @theboothandrews or in the show notes for this episode.
Transcript
My coach at the gym and I have been spending a fair amount of time over the last several months identifying patterns that don’t necessarily support my strength and fitness goals. And while movement patterns are definitely part of the analysis, those are just the beginning.
You see, I am really good at holding my breath. I am really good at creating and holding tension in my body. I am really good at grinding through that last heavy rep.
So, what am I learning? I am learning how to move and breathe in intentional patterns. I am learning how to move the barbell more quickly and spend less time under tension so that I don’t exhaust myself unnecessarily. It turns out that while some lifts, like a deadlift, require tension all the way through, other lifts are meant to be more dynamic with a mix of tension and release. As a result of learning how to exert less effort where appropriate, my body is less fatigued and I am able to use that energy elsewhere.
In 2019 I spent some time with a structural integration practitioner and she told me with a hint of a smile . . . Booth, you are really good and forcing yourself to breathe.
You see, I knew I was supposed to be breathing more deeply. And if my body didn’t allow me to breathe deeply, I thought I was just supposed to force it.
What I didn’t know was that all I had to do was allow my breath to do what it is designed to do instead of forcing it. It turns out that our bodies are designed to breathe without force! Who knew?!?
In her book, Try Softer, Aundi Kolber talks about her journey of learning that she didn’t have to “white knuckle” her way through life.
And isn’t that how so many of us live? Holding on for dear life with a death grip?
And heaven forbid things slip out of our control . . . because when they do . . . part of our nervous system actually thinks we are in mortal danger.
At this extreme, white knuckling is a trauma response. Remember when I said I couldn’t breathe deeply without forcing it? Well, it turns out that when we are holding on for dear life . . . white knuckling it so to speak . . . we hold that tension in our muscles whether we realize it or not.
I used to think if I couldn’t bring the same level of energy, focus and intensity to every single day and every single effort, that something was wrong with me. Oh, and that effort better be 1000%.
I have pushed my body to the breaking point more than once in my life . . . quite literally . . . including two stress fractures and one “stress” with no fracture because I actually got myself to the doctor before the injury got worse.
And here is something else I have learned about the body. If one part of the body is injured, the adjustments that the other parts make in order to compensate, if not resolved over time, can lead to more injury. It turns out that both my right ankle and right hip are more locked up than they were designed to be . . . because they are protecting my right knee. If I continue to push my body through the same patterns without releasing those joints, it follows that I will have more than just knee problems.
When I first started back to personal training after being told I was too young for knee replacement, one of the first things I learned was that I was quad dominant. My quads were so strong that I didn’t even notice that I couldn’t fire my glutes on my right side. I was back squatting 225# and doing impact movements such as jumping rope and running without being able to fire my glutes properly. NO WONDER my knee was deteriorating.
I am learning that life, and our bodies, are designed to be more fluid. And that all of the parts of our bodies were intricately designed to move and flow and heal and repair when given the right support.
As I shared in my last newsletter, I have learned that emotions are energy, and that energy that is not allowed to move and release from the body can have toxic side effects.
And I am learning that our energy is designed to be fluid too.
Over the last 5 years, I have learned about the four centers of energy, the body’s natural rhythms (which are designed to be deeply in tune with the rhythms of nature), the different energies that come with cycle of the moon, or a woman’s menstrual cycle, or the four seasons. Or all of the above.
I recently spent some time reading about Human Design which I will oversimplify here by saying that we all didn’t arrive here with the same energy motors, makeup or ways of being even though the world has taught us to “just do it”, “go big or go home” (which used to be one of my personal favorites, and that if we want something badly enough we are just supposed to go out there and Make. It. Happen.
And if we don’t? Well, we must not have wanted it badly enough or been willing to work hard enough or make the sacrifices that the success gods require.
In early March I reached a new level of clarify. I am done hustling. D-O-N-E done.
When I say I am done hustling, that doesn’t mean I am not willing to work hard.
For me it means that I am tired of trying to force things. I have spent a lifetime trying to make things happen out of sheer will or determination. And sometimes, I have been successful. But often at a price tag that isn’t sustainable or life-giving.
Time and time again on my journey to healing, I have been shown the beauty and gifts that come when I release my grip and allow things to flow. In fact, some of the most serendipitous moments of the last 6 years have occurred when I relinquished even trying to control what was happening.
I will admit that in many of these instances, I went down kicking and screaming. The Universe literally had to leave me with no other option before I stopped trying to force something to be a certain way.
It took living with severe mental illness for me to learn to live in the present moment.
It took a six month PTSD episode for me to stop trying to force myself to “perform” at all costs.
It took financial devastation for me to learn to receive certain gifts.
It took losing almost all of the cartilage in my right knee for me to learn to activate my glutes. Oh and to finally get excited about upper body workouts.
Even in my business, particularly in my business endeavors, the best things come when I don’t force it. The best content. The best opportunities to work with clients–whether in the burnout and mental health space, as an attorney, or working with small businesses and nonprofits. In fact, this podcast came about as the result of a completely serendipitous series of events.
Earlier this year I wrote myself a reminder. It says “Your job is to prepare your body, mind and spirit for the abundance the Universe has in store for you. Heal and allow. This is not about doing more. This is about receiving more.”
Here is where I also admit that maybe a few weeks to a month after I wrote that down, I looked at it and went “Huh?” Like it didn’t even compute. In that moment I couldn’t even connect with the person who wrote that reminder.
But here I am again. And I see how learning to release is a lesson that is seeping into every area of my life. Have I mentioned that I now have an 18 year old! Talk about learning to release?!?!
So as I wrap up this episode, I want to lead you through a body scan.
The body scan can be performed while lying down, sitting, or in other postures. The steps below are a guided meditation designed to be done while sitting. This scan was produced by UCLA’s Mindful Awareness Research Center (MARC)*
Especially for those new to the body scan, we recommend performing this practice with the audio. However, you can also use the script below for guidance for yourself or for leading this practice for others.
Begin by bringing your attention to your environment, slowly looking around and noticing that you are safe in this moment.
Bring your attention into your body.
You can close your eyes if that’s comfortable for you or maintain a soft gaze, with your eyes partially closed but not focusing on anything in particular.
You can notice your body seated wherever you’re seated, feeling the support of the chair or the floor beneath you.
Take a few deep, long breaths, within the range of what is comfortable for you.
And as you take a deep breath, bring in more oxygen, enlivening the body. And as you exhale, you might experience a sense of relaxing more deeply.
You can notice your feet on the floor, notice the sensations of your feet touching the floor. The weight and pressure, vibration, heat.
You can notice your legs against the chair, pressure, pulsing, heaviness, lightness.
Notice your back against the chair, supporting you. If you are not able to notice sensations in all areas of the body, that is OK. We are more connected to certain areas of the body than others, at different times of the day.
Bring your attention into your stomach area. If your stomach is tense or tight, can you allow it to soften? Take a breath.
Notice your hands. Are your hands tense or tight? See if you can allow them to soften.
Notice your arms. Feel any sensation in your arms. Do your best to allow your shoulders to be soft.
Notice your neck and throat. Try to allow them to be soft. See if you can invite a sense of relaxation in.
Try to soften your jaw. Do your best to allow your face and facial muscles to be soft.
Then notice your whole body present. Take one more breath.
Be aware of your whole body as best you can. Take a breath. Slowly open up the eyes, without focusing on anything in particular. Allow the head and neck to gently rotate, taking in the space you are in. When you feel ready, you can return to your normal gaze.
Are there places in your body or in your life where you are holding on too tightly?
What would it feel like to release your grip?
Would releasing your grip free up space in your life for something that is more aligned with your purpose and well-being?
Would releasing your grip allow creativity space to help solve the problem you have been ruminating about so much that you have tunnel vision?
Would releasing your grip allow you to receive help and support in a new way?
Would releasing your grip allow you to recruit other resources that would help you live and work in a more sustainable and life-giving way?
And if the answer is that the very idea of releasing your grip is completely terrifying, I understand. I promise. Just know that this need to hold on at all costs may be an area of potential healing for you. Audi Kolber’s book might be a great place to start exploring this possibility.
As you enter this next week, look for things that you can release. You may be surprised at the gifts and opportunities you find in that space.
Outtro
Thank you for listening today. And, if you haven’t already, please hit subscribe and remember to rate this podcast on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts. When you subscribe and rate, you make it easier for other people to find this content.
And remember, if you aren’t receiving my biweekly newsletter in your inbox go to https://www.boothandrews.com/newsletterpage to sign up! You can find this link in my instagram bio @theboothandrews or in the show notes for this episode.
I look forward to being back with you next time!