Even Superheroes Have Kryptonite.

It was 2012 and I was in my superhero era. Nonprofit CEO, mom of 3, triathlete, Crossfitter. I didn’t yet know that hustling to keep the demons at bay was about to be my kryptonite.

I was leading strategic transformation at the local level and being invited to help facilitate at meetings of our international organization.

I considered myself a visionary and a change maker; often introducing myself as a rule follower who liked being in the position to re-write the rules.

I had been nominated for an award by the YWCA; an award that many other important female leaders in our community had received over the years. And I was ambivalent about winning.

I was standing in my closet when it hit me … whether or not I won the award didn’t matter. I still wasn’t going to feel like I was “enough.”

It was a shocking realization.

In spite of my upbringing, or perhaps because of it, there was no longer anyone in my life overtly telling me that I didn’t measure up.

Until that very moment, I’d had no idea that the fear of not being “enough” was even present in my psyche.

The second episode of the Freedom from Empty podcast is titled “Never Enough”. In it I talk about the intoxicating bait and switch of perfectionism and chasing our worth through accomplishments and external validation.

TLDR: we never “arrive”; we cannot accumulate enough degrees, awards, recognitions, titles, money or other things to assuage our terror that we will be cast out of the community upon which we depend for survival if we stop moving, hustling for belonging, and chasing cultural ideals

Six years later, after losing everything I held dear and everything I had worked so hard for—except for my children—I started my own business.

I was convinced I didn’t “belong” in corporate culture … I wasn’t sure if I belonged anywhere. Talking publicly about my mental health (circa 2016) had isolated me even more.

I wasn’t sure if I would ever regain my capacity to hold a big vision and bring it to life the way I had before. I wasn’t sure if I would ever be free of mental illness. I had stopped wondering if that was even possible.

Still, I was DETERMINED to use my story to try to help others ..