Martyrdom Isn’t Leadership (or Life-giving)

Martyrdom isn’t leadership (or life-giving).

It was 2009. I was standing in the back of a large ballroom.

The other people in the room were council CEO’s, Board Chairs, and national leaders (staff and volunteer) of the largest girls’ leadership development organization in the world. Two hundred plus women in the room.

I was new. Idealistic. Fresh blood.

Pretty grounded in my own truth and capacity at the time.

And I was dumbfounded.

I listened as council leaders rose one by one, and stated their case for how a significant issue should be handled. All from the lens of how they had martyred themselves for the organization and now were owed their due. To be fair, they had been promised something that was now hanging in the balance due to the 2008 financial crisis.

A day or two earlier I had walked into a hotel conference center full of people I did not know, and not a single one of these leaders welcomed me in.

The energy was toxic. I was confused. And concerned.

I thought we were a leadership development organization??? I thought our whole purpose was to teach girls that they could lead from any position. That they too could make a difference. To empower them with skills, resources and experiences to make the world a better place. Not to teach them to martyr themselves.

Eventually, I took the mic. And said things I don’t remember about how stunned I was. And how much what I was witnessing didn’t look like leadership to me.

In hindsight, I can only imagine what the other people in the room were thinking. Probably something along the lines of “this young, brash, newcomer has no idea what she is talking about.” But I wasn’t really concerned about that.

In groups and public spaces I have long had the capacity to name the elephant in the room. My vulnerabilities lie elsewhere.

And today, I can also see how these leaders came to bear the mantle and the burden of the martyr.

When nonprofit culture has long espoused that if you are doing something for a mission, you have to be willing to sacrifice your own well-being–financial and otherwise–or you must not be truly committed.

When women (and mothers) are conditioned to give selflessly to everyone around them–like “superheroes”–only taking the last crumbs for themselves, if there are any left.

When a “life of service” is both venerated (held up as the model) and disdained (chronically under-resourced).

When we learn to anchor our sense of power, self worth, and belonging in how much we give to other people. More about how I found myself caught in this trap in a future newsletter.

When we give to the point of depletion, over and over and over again, until we are literally run dry, there is no one in our sphere untouched by the barren soil.

And we, the martyrs, become increasingly physically, mentally and spiritually dissociated and ill.

Disconnected. Numb. Cynical. Hopeless.

Determined to take and protect what is “ours” at all costs and regardless of the impact on others because our biological survival state is no longer interested in what we can or should do for other people.

We can no longer hold the vision for the good of the whole.

And we forget that we don’t have to live this way. That we have the capacity to reclaim our power, voice, and agency. To write a different story.

We are not powerless. But of course we forget. Again and again and again.

Where do you give away your power?

How does your nervous system patterning keep you stuck, small, and disconnected (and how can a new nervous system blueprint be developed)?

How can you begin to reclaim your unique power, voice and agency to co- create a better world than the one you are living in now (not only by healing but also by expanding your nervous system capacity to step into a different future)?

These are the themes I will be exploring in this next season of my work. More to come.

It’s good to be back in this space. I have missed connecting with you here.