What if life could feel more easeful
“How was your holiday?” my daughter asked a few days after Thanksgiving.
Holidays are hard. On so many levels.
I have particular traumas associated with some holidays; namely Christmas, New Year’s Eve and Easter. I am also alone for a number of holidays (or a portion thereof) while my kids visit my ex’s family.
And the stories we are told (and that are peddled through every advertising medium available)–about perfect family togetherness, decoration and gifting, and the capital expenditures it takes to pull all of that off–are not only a reality
distortion but maybe even harmful if we allow ourselves to fall prey to believing that we are the only ones who cannot spin literal magic (or the only ones who are grieving and/or alone).
I can name many a holiday past in which my experience was hijacked by old traumas (some of which were seemingly being played out again in real time), or by my own rumination(s) along the lines of “everyone else is with family and I am alone”, or getting emotionally hooked on what I couldn’t afford to spend money on (everything from decorations to holiday outings to gifts).
“It felt easier,” I said to my daughter.
For the first time in the 9 years I have been divorced–spending Thanksgiving evening alone for 7 of those years with no turkey or the trimmings in sight–I cooked myself a Thanksgiving dinner including many of the favorites I would have enjoyed if I had been with my own family.
It felt like such a kind and nurturing thing to do for myself. And now I have meals prepped for days!
When we pulled out the Christmas decorations yesterday, I didn’t feel that old familiar contraction in my body–the deep grief of Christmases past, the limitations of current financial realities, the untouchable ache of loneliness, the shadows of terror.
Instead I felt peaceful as we analyzed whether it was worth a trip to the store and the expense of one more strand of lights, content with our “minimalist” decorations, and so very grateful to have the help of two of the kids and for the beautiful tree picked out for us.
The ease, peace, contentment and gratitude that I felt this weekend (even while sick with a nasty cold) doesn’t erase the past. And it doesn’t change the external realities, whether that be the balance of my personal bank account, the political tone of this country, or the devastation of the world at large.
What is different is me.
How the experience feels in my body.
The ways I feel empowered to choose and take action that didn’t feel available to me before when my nervous system was stuck in survival mode.
My ability to engage with creativity, curiosity, context, perspective and non- reactivity in the face of things that don’t go as well as I imagined or that feel overwhelming or just plain hard.
The moments when I realize I have a choice to write a new story or choose a different path because no one is coming to save me (but me), and then to follow those realizations with decision or action as appropriate.
My emerging practice of actually asking for what I need or want out loud instead of just doubling my efforts and feeling exhausted, disappointed and alone.
There is no bypassing here. I don’t have to discount my experience (past or present).
And yet, I am able to move through my daily experiences differently (and to gently soften and shift when I notice a place where I have been stuck).
Nervous system work cannot make living in this world easier. But it can make it feel more EASEFUL.
Your experience of this life can feel more easeful.
The truth is that the goal isn’t actually for life to always feel easeful. The goal is for your nervous system to be fluid and flexible enough that you are able to be attuned and responsive to the hard and the good. To the limitations and the possibilities. To rest and expansion. Without having to wrestle your own insides to function in the world in the way that feels in alignment for you.
In a world where so many things feel hard, anything that feels eas(ier) is a gift! And the nervous system repatterining process itself can actually be quite gentle and easeful (this is not the “no pain no gain” sort of effort).
If you are ready to feel more ease and peace in your experience, I am now booking 1:1 clients for one-time, three-month or six-month nervous system healing and expansion support. Purchase here or schedule a Discovery Call to explore whether this offering is a good fit for you.
Love,
Booth