Let’s Talk About Wake Up Calls and What Next
Mine–came first in 2010–with a simple, yet powerful decision, “I don’t want to live in fear anymore.”
Arianna Huffington’s came in the form of waking up in a pool of blood in her office from exhaustion . . .
In her article, The Secret Reasons Why Venture Capital Investments Often Fail for Forbes, Amy Blankston writes:
Nataly Kogan, a serial entrepreneur, former venture capitalist and bestselling author of Happier Now, knows a few things about those costs. But her story is not one that you would expect. As a refugee from the former Soviet Union, Kogan emigrated to the United States when she was just 13 years old. She went from living off of food stamps in the projects of Detroit to graduating from college with high honors, landing a job at McKinsey, becoming a managing director at a venture capital firm–all before she turned 26. But despite this meteoric rise, Kogan felt unfulfilled. She began to research positive psychology and delved into Eastern disciplines like yoga and Buddhism. Eventually, she created a learning and technology platform called Happier that led to international fame.
But if you think her story ends there, you would miss the most important part. Shortly after launching Happier, Kogan crashed. Reflecting on that period of her life, Kogan shares: ‘By age 39, I lived in a state of constant dread. I ran myself ragged and berated myself for being so pathetic. More than once I found myself in my car outside my office in the early hours of the morning, so fatigued I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. I would black out from exhaustion . . . I was on the brink of losing everything–my company, my family, my sanity, my health.
Fortunately, an investor in Kogan’s company saw what was happening and gave her an ultimatum: she had to visit his life coach or he wouldn’t work with her anymore. Grudgingly, she went. The life coach helped her to understand that she couldn’t fix parts of her life without helping herself first. She realized that she needed to put things in her life on hold until she could set things right in her life again.”
“In a recent survey of entrepreneurs, 30% reported a lifetime history of depression. In fact, 72% of entrepreneurs suffer from mental health problems as compared to just 7% of the general public. While it’s unclear whether or not entrepreneurs have a predisposition to mental health issues, it’s evident that the stress of the industry exacerbates the issue, giving rise to the term “Founder’s Blues.” According to Fortune magazine, 30% of startups fail due to the emotional state of their founders (13% due to loss of focus, 9% due to loss of passion, and 8% due to founder burnout).
Kogan recalls the story of one CEO in NYC whose company began to struggle financially. His co-workers knew he was under stress, but they also noted that he began to make poor decisions. What they didn’t know was that the CEO was having trouble sleeping and his overall health was declining. One day, the staff noticed that it was 4 p.m. and the CEO had still not shown up for work. Later that day, he was found hanging off a balcony in a California hotel, strung out on cocaine. Kogan asks, “Were there signs? Yup every single day.” Yet, all too often these warning signs are covered or missed in the professional setting.”
When we come to believe that failure is not an option, when we believe that we cannot show the softest, deepest, even darkest part of ourselves to the world. When we come to believe that the only way to survive is to shove aside our basic needs and keep pushing forward–never resting, never taking a breath, never stepping away from work, never pausing to be still . . . we create dissonance in our lives.
We can only survive the dissonance in our lives for so long before something starts to give.
We can only shove our fundamental needs and values aside for so long. We can only live in denial for so long.
I share these stories with you because I want you to know that you aren’t alone. Throughout time, through literature, and throughout all of the ways that stories of the human condition are told . . . we find the universal truth of the “wake up call.”
Wake up calls don’t have to be big. Or dramatic. They don’t have to be life threatening. They can actually be simple, and quiet.
A decision to stop running.
A decision to stop living in fear.
An awareness of “not this” even if you don’t know what “this” is or what you want in its place.
You don’t HAVE to run into the wall like a test dummy to have your wake up call. You can choose to have your wake up call now. Right now. Without drama. Without fanfare. Without a trip to the ER.
In order to make space for new things in our life, we have to be willing to let go.
In my years of strategic planning with organizations and with individuals, often the hardest question to answer is this one–what will you STOP doing in order to create the space and time–in order to make resources available to do all of the NEW and EXCITING things you want to do for your organization or yourself?
I find it is very easy to make a list of things I should or could do. Things I should do more of. Or do better. Things I should start. New ideas. New projects. New commitments.
It is so much harder I think to actually look at the things that we are doing–areas where we are spending time and energy–and to give ourselves permission to let them go if they no longer serve us.
And what is also true is this: if we set about making change in our lives and do not commit the resources (read time and energy) = FRUSTRATION is the result. We, of course, are likely to just chalk up our “failure” to successfully adopt a new habit or achieve a goal as a lack of self control and personal discipline. Or poor time management skills.
The truth is that we can only carry so much, do so much, WILL ourselves so far . . .
Imagine an old peg board from childhood . . . there are a certain number of holes in the pegboard. Once the hole are full–NO MORE PEGS WILL FIT! Okay, yes, technically some of those pegboards come with stackable pegs . . . but what happens when you stack the pegs too high . . . they start to LEAN, and then if you don’t stop stacking, they ALL FALL OVER!
We are like a pegboard. When we are out of receptors, we have no space to create new habits. We have no space to try new things. We have no room for any new or different ways of being.
Maverick: Tower, this is Ghost rider requesting a flyby. Air Boss Johnson: That’s a negative Ghost rider, the pattern is full.
We have to create the space in our lives to make room for new habits, new opportunities, new ways of living and working. In order to create that space, we have to take some of the pegs out of the pegboard . . .
We cannot create more hours in the day . . . but we can change the way we spend our time.
We . . .
Where I believe even deeper, more profound, more sustainable change happens is when we let go of old beliefs and ways of thinking and reacting to the world.
When I see people push themselves to the brink of exhaustion and burn out . . .
With letting go comes grief. Even if we are knowingly and intentionally letting go of something or someone we KNOW isn’t good for us. Even if we are letting go in order to MAKE ROOM for opportunities, relationships, experiences, the chance to heal . . . still, the grief comes. We move through the phases–denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance–non-linear with no pre-determined “finish” line.
We might be letting go of who we thought we were, what we thought our life would look like, past hurts, resentments, people . . .
The universe abhors a vacuum . . . so be intentional (next episode)
You don’t have to have all of the answers to open up space for a new way of being . . . new habits, new beliefs, new choices.
You don’t have to do this alone.
NEXT EPISODE
Life and work challenges are a reality for all of us . . . and yet when they become chronic, perhaps permanent fixtures of our lives, when “sucking it up” and constantly striving for perfectionism has become the only way we know how to live, we can find ourselves feeling stuck, overwhelmed and hopeless with no way out.
LESSONS LEARNED:
The things that made me so successful became my ACHILLES heel—pushing through, compartmentalization, tough skin
What I thought I couldn’t afford to do (or not do) came from OLD BELIEFS, habits and patterns that served me well when I was young but came to longer sere me
Ask for HELP sooner rather than later—respond v react
EARLY intervention has benefits–If you have even an inkling that you are struggling with mental health issues–seek help now–mental health issues do not go away (they often get worse and are harder to resolve the longer you wait)
The FEAR of the thing is worse than the actual thing (and the things we do to numb the fear are often more destructive than the thing we are afraid of)
What are the things that we use to numb? alcohol, shopping, cigarettes, drugs, sex, toxic relationship, dizziness, perfection, workaholism, smart phones, social media . . .
Learn to recognize these are what they are… Coping mechanisms… Numbing devices… The things that we do to escape the way we are feeling or what we are afraid of are far more damaging than the feelings or emotions themselves. If we just allow ourselves to feel, if we learn to be still, we learn that the even the darkest emotions pass.
Unprocessed EMOTIONS get stuck in your cells and can make you very , very ill.
The further down the tunnel we are, the harder it is to see that we have OPTIONS.
There is HOPE
There are a host of PRACTICES that are proven to positively impact well-being–gratitude practice, meditation, journaling, movement, nature, connection, people who allow and/or hold space for you and with you and trying to fix it, yoga–ideally practice these things when you are not in crisis–the more your practice the more easy it is to access when you need them (and by the very nature of the struggle have less energy to start “new” things
And yet this is true for all of us as human beings–so if you don’t know where to start, start here–SLEEP, HYDRATION, NUTRITION, MOVEMENT, CONNECTION, PLAY.