“The only way out is through.” I don’t know who said it first, but I have found myself repeating this phrase often these days. I know I certainly didn’t predict what the first half of 2020 would look like. While the challenges of 2020 feel extraordinary in many respects, I have been reflecting on how the lessons I have learned through my own trauma-healing journey are profoundly impactful and meaningful during this time. One might argue, in fact, that they bear as great or great(er) significance to the broader population than perhaps ever before.
Well-Being Tip of The Month
Ask for what you need. I have become an “expert” at releasing what I thought was going to be and allowing what is; so much so, that sometimes I forget that I actually do have options and choices and can ask for boundaries and help. I found myself exhausted to the point of tears last week around the same time a dear friend and I were doing some strategy work for our respective businesses. At the end of the day, which had included MULTIPLE interruptions from my kiddos including four conversations about dog food, a quick trip to the grocery store and dropping one of my kids at a friend’s house, she looked at me and said (paraphrased) “all this strategy is good, but how are you going to manage your energy?” And the tears welled up…
After giving myself a couple of days to recover, I came up with a proposed schedule for myself for the summer. I framed this schedule around the needs of my 9yo and puppy most specifically since my older two children are more self- sufficient and both have summer jobs. My goal was to leave space plenty of space for the things that are known and the things that will come up both personally and professionally.
Once I had a draft schedule, I talked through it schedule with my 9yo because he does better when we discuss the structure in advance. And then I asked for help. I shared the schedule with my ex and my girls and told them this . . . If I can get these three things, then I think I will be able to manage my energy and well-being over the summer:
- Honor my bedtime
- Time to exercise daily; and
- 4 focused work hours per day
I didn’t realize how much energy I was spending trying to navigate my days! And now, my family has the information they need in order to support me. As someone who spent decades not asking for help because I was convinced people wouldn’t meet me where I needed them, this is an extraordinary shift. But the more I verbalize my wants, needs, and limitations, the more opportunity I have to honor those things myself and to ask others to help me honor them too.
p.s. More tips on setting boundaries at home and at work.
My Current Reading Obsession
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
By Bessel van der Kolk M.D.
“Essential reading for anyone interested in understanding and treating traumatic stress and the scope of its impact on society.” —Alexander McFarlane, Director of the Centre for Traumatic Stress Studies